The author of this piece has asked to remain anonymous to protect her privacy. All names have been changed.
I hook up with a lot of men to feel powerful. The more gorgeous their faces are, the more muscular their bodies are, the more expensive their apartments look, the more powerful I feel when they show interest in hooking up with me. The first time they would lean in closer, I used to suppress a smirk on my lips as they kissed me. After that, I would passively submit to them in the bedroom. But, after a while of playing this role, I realized I didn’t want to anymore. I wanted to be the one in control.
Luckily, I had connections to the wonderful world of kink. A few months ago, I met Will through OkCupid. His profile was all about kink, non-monogamy, and how he can be dominant but prefers to be submissive. I met up with him out of curiosity, and we talked, but I never contacted him again. Months later, after one too many hook-ups that were great but felt like something was missing, I messaged Will again and asked if we could meet up to chat.
The first time I saw Will, I honestly wasn’t very impressed with his looks. He was handsome but not my type. But, the second time I saw him was different. We met up at a coffee shop, and he was wearing his dark winter clothes instead of the T-shirt that didn’t flatter him before. He’s in his late twenties, tall, and handsome on top of being charismatic, well-spoken, and having a well-paying job. He’s the stereotypical submissive man in the kink community—a successful, powerful man who wants to give up control for a while.
We sat down and talked about non-monogamy before I brought up that I wanted to be dominant, looking for answers about how to explore this part of myself. He provided tips on finding play partners and explained that I had to be careful because there are more submissive men looking for women than there are dominant women looking for men. He’s a touchy-feely person, and for the duration of the conversation since I mentioned I wanted to be dominant, he occasionally touched my thigh, but I suspected it was more than friendly.
After a while, he casually offered to “mentor” me in kink. I sarcastically responded, remarking on how generous he was. With a charming smile, he said, “I’m nothing if not magnanimous.”
So, a week later, I took a cab with him to Dumbo, Brooklyn to a social event for non-monogamy enthusiasts. In a fairly large apartment, about 50 people mingled in a living room and kitchen. I felt too socially awkward to approach many people, but I tried to speak to whoever looked the least intimidating. A lot of them knew each other already, so people didn’t approach me. It was exactly what you expect from a community of non-monogamous people, most of whom were also into kink: a woman wearing a bondage harness over her dress, Will touching every attractive woman in sight, a line of people on the couch and each one cuddling the person on either side of them. Men and women wholly or partially in the nude. The people there were mostly good-looking and successful, in their early twenties to mid-thirties. I was the youngest at eighteen years old.
It was a good experience. I made some connections with a former pro-domme who offered to mentor me and a dominant man who clearly wanted to “play” (the term for kinky sex) with me, though I told him I wasn’t interested in being submissive. I also met his girlfriend who was nice.
Afterwards, I started consistently hooking up a guy who’s into cuckolding. I’m really into it, too. He likes when I make fun of his small penis and talk about how much better other guys are at pleasing me.
I went a while without contacting Will before messaging him online again. We spoke with each other about playing, and I went to his apartment a week later. In the fancy, spacious apartment that he has to himself, he showed me some simple things, like how to tie someone up or safely flog them. We didn’t play that night but agreed to do it at a later date.
As I was leaving, he hugged me, and I could feel he was going to kiss me. He did, and I felt powerful. This handsome, smart, wealthy man was willing to fall to his knees for me. I’m going to dominate him later, and that kiss was a start.
Kink is exciting to me. My friends from NYU know I like kink, and while they admire me for it, they can’t relate to my desire to dominate and humiliate men. Most of the guys I hook up with aren’t into it either. That’s what makes it my guilty pleasure; I can try small things like bossing them around, but I can’t explore actual kink unless I’m with people like Will or my cuckold.
Kink will always be something I crave to incorporate in my sex life, but it’s not possible to satisfy that desire with most men. Most kinky women are submissive, so being a dominant girl makes me feel disconnected to them as well as non-kinky people such as my friends or my hook-up partners. I have almost no one to relate to about dominating men and that makes me feel lonely in both kinky and non-kinky communities. However, I wouldn’t want to change. Being into kink and meeting others in the kink community makes life more interesting.